Local Catholics gathered yesterday for what has been called the "theological time bomb set to go off with dramatic consequences, sometime in the third millennium of the Theology on Tap": the Scottish rendition of Pope Saint John Paul II's audiences, dubbed "The Theology of the Toddy."
The Prince's Pub was overflowing with young people and free hot toddies for the event, where Fr. Malcolm Westergate preached that the theology of the toddy was based on "pre-given language of self-giving and honeyed spicyness" that was part of the toddies' very creation. "The prelapsarian land of spices, Eden itself, is held in every hot toddy sipped by a human person. The land of the covenant, a land flowing with mild and honey, is prefigured. Technically, the whisky should be milk, but then no one would drink it, and God is merciful, after all," he insisted.
Alas, it was a Catholic gathering and so there was some controversial dissent:
Angus Righthold handed out anti-toddy literature to people coming in for the event. "The very problem here is held in the word 'hot.' We have 'hot toddies,' now. It just sounds a bit risque, and I don't appreciate being forced to consider whether I consume my toddy is too hot, mate. Would ye give your mother a 'hot' toddy? I don't think so. My case is made and my conscience is clear," he said.
Righthold's argument seemed lost on the enthusiastic crowd of young people, who left claiming that the talk helped them see "the spousal meaning of the Toddy" in radically new ways. "The free Toddy gives itself to me, and I give meself to God freely. Or something like that," gushed Aidan Abbott. "All I know is I am feeling very giving right now. Ye are all me brothers and sisters, eh mates?" A roar rose in the background.
I hope those in the know and with the proper amount of influence can talk the powers that be to next year meet up in Tlaquepaque, Mexico for a council on tequila theology.
This weekend I went to confession at a parish near my son's soccer game. I am weird that way, I seek out parishes away from home for my confession obligations.
Anyway, I went to a parish. Nice enough looking Church with the standalone wood confessionals.
I picked a pew a few rows up from the confessional at the back of the Church to prepare and wait my turn.
A lady came into the Church and stood right near me but closer to the confessional, clearly not intuiting that I was waiting my turn.
So she is standing maybe 8 feet from me when her cell phone rings. Of course, she answers it. As loud as can be, she says...
"HI! WHAT? NO NOT YET? WHAT? NO. I WILL LATER."
An older man that had already gone to confession and praying his penance on the other side of the Church turned around and stared in disbelief. For my part, I sat there thinking thoughts that I would need to add to my confession.
"HEY!! I AM AT CHURCH RIGHT NOW. LISTEN, I WILL CALL YOU BACK LATER. OK. TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE-BYE!!"
I got up and stood along the wall next to the lady so that everyone else would know I was waiting. Soon after, a woman exited the confessional and stared in disbelief at the lady for how loud she was.
Cell-phone lady entered the confessional just as another woman lined up behind me. At this point, I am probably twenty-five feet from the confessional when I hear...
Catholic Democrats voted to secede from the Catholic Church in a referendum yesterday, with final results showing that 95.5% of ballots were in favor of becoming Pagan.
Leaders from the Pagan Coalition will pass legislation allowing Catholics in the Democratic Party who follow their consciences even when they conflict with moral teachings of the Magisterium to be known as Pagans. The Vatican has welcomed the results, with the Vatican Press Office today issuing a statement of support and congratulations.
“Results of the referendum in the Democratic Party clearly showed that Catholic Democrats see their future only as part of the Pagan movement,” said Vatican Press Secretary Roberto Ansaldi. “We support their decision and hope that their transition will be seamless. ‘Transition’ isn’t the right word there is it? ‘Transition’ would imply some sort of change from one position to another.”
Tiny Vatican City consumes more wine per capita than any other country in the world, according to information from the California-based Wine Institute.
According to the Wine Institute’s latest statistics, the Vatican consumed 74 liters of wine per person, around double the per-capita consumption of Italy as a whole. A standard bottle of wine is about .75 liters.
And while some of that consumption is clearly related to ceremonial Communion wine, Italian press reports say it’s more likely because Vatican residents are older (the lack of children are figured into the statistics), are overwhelmingly male, are highly educated and tend to eat communally — all factors that tend to lead toward higher wine consumption.
Another factor: the Vatican’s small size that makes it easy for per-capita figures to be distorted by the activities of a small group, or in the case of the Vatican, a single supermarket that sells wines almost tax-free.
There could be plenty of other reasons for the statistics but I frankly think that Mr. Franklin was right.
1. We admitted that like crazed pale metrosexuals we were powerless over Obama huffing, puffing, and fluffing — that our political lives had become unmanageable, bereft of truth, justice, and integrity.
2. Came to believe that a Constitution once again greater than Obama could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our political will and our Obama addiction over to the care of Common Sense as we understood it.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and saw how continually conned we were to believe that this hybrid charlatan was in the game for anything other than his own enrichment, power, and aggrandizement.
5. Admitted to America, to ourselves, and to another drooling Democrat the exact nature of our inability to criticize and dump Obama simply because of the color of his skin even as the content of his character dwindled into negative numbers.
6. Were entirely ready to have the Constitution remove all these defects of our political disease.