From: The President Of The United States, Barack H. Obama
July 4, 2012
I’m writing on this historic date with the hope that a great wrong dividing our two countries — a wrong committed 236 years ago this day — can be undone.
As you know, your majesty, I’ve long felt the need to apologize for some of America’s more egregious mistakes: Our unilateral military actions under previous administrations, our arrogant foreign policy, Adam Sandler’s movies. These are just a few of the sins inflicted upon the world by my countrymen.
But they pale in comparison to the wrongs committed by the British citizens of the American colonies in 1776.
Now, it’s hardly news that I’m not a big “Tea Party” guy. But by any standard, the reaction of the so-called “patriots” to the actions of the Crown was unconscionable. Grabbing guns and starting a revolution, all over a small tax on tea? Imagine if Michael Bloomberg had been around at the time.
And besides, thanks to my new BFF John Roberts, now we know it wasn’t a “tax” at all — just a health-promoting “mandate!”
See? It wasn’t really a “revolution.” More of a “misunderstanding.” One that I’d like us to sort out.
Why can’t our two nations be one again? Why can’t America return to its status as a protected colony, governed by a benevolent and all-knowing monarch who uses his power to take care of a citizenry unable to take care of themselves? That’s been a personal goal of mine for years.
My defense of the monarchy may come as a surprise, given some of the stories I made up — that is, misremembered — about my father and the British government. But I’ve always had a special place in my heart for England. Why, one of my composite girlfriends was English!
Then there’s the well-documented fact that, through my mother, I’m a descendant of Henry II. We’re practically cousins!
More than that, I am painfully aware of what the American Revolution has cost. If we had remained part of the British Empire, your majesty, we could be enjoying the blessings of government-run socialized medicine right now, just like England and Canada.
Visitors from these countries often talk about their national health care systems while visiting here. Indeed, quite a few apparently come to America specifically because of your health care system. Something about wait times for hospital rooms or something.
Hey, there are always a handful of malcontents, right? You’ve got people grousing about 100-day waits to see a doctor, and I’ve got 55 percent of Americans saying I’m mishandling the economy.
Ah, but there’s the rub, as your William Shakespeare put it. (A line, by the way, that my vice president probably thinks came from a Ben-Gay commercial. How’d you like to have him as an heir?)
You’ve got a monarchy, but thanks to a mob of hot-headed, radical pro-independence extremists back in the day, we’re stuck with democracy. There you are, entire sectors of your economy run by the government and taxes that absorb more than 50 percent of your national income — and we’re left out.
You’ve got the America I want, and could have had, if not for the Fourth of July.
So I say, let’s go forward by going back. Let’s return the American colonies to your majesty’s protection, and the protection of future kings and queens of the realm.
Speaking of which . . .
My only requirement would be that you, shall we say, re-examine the current order of succession. Perhaps to include a long-lost descendant of Henry II . . . ?
Your majesty’s most humble and obedient servant,
Thank Mr. Reynolds for the find.