NASA: Global Warming increases chances of space alien attacks (UPDATED)

How low has NASA sunk?

Damned low:

It may not rank as the most compelling reason to curb greenhouse gases, but reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth's atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

This highly speculative scenario is one of several described by scientists at Nasa and Pennsylvania State University that, while considered unlikely, they say could play out were humans and alien life to make contact at some point in the future.

Shawn Domagal-Goldman of Nasa's Planetary Science Division and his colleagues compiled a list of plausible outcomes that could unfold in the aftermath of a close encounter, to help humanity "prepare for actual contact".

In their report, Would Contact with Extraterrestrials Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis, the researchers divide alien contacts into three broad categories: beneficial, neutral or harmful.

Beneficial encounters ranged from the mere detection of extraterrestrial intelligence (ETI), for example through the interception of alien broadcasts, to contact with cooperative organisms that help us advance our knowledge and solve global problems such as hunger, poverty and disease.

Another beneficial outcome the authors entertain sees humanity triumph over a more powerful alien aggressor, or even being saved by a second group of ETs. "In these scenarios, humanity benefits not only from the major moral victory of having defeated a daunting rival, but also from the opportunity to reverse-engineer ETI technology," the authors write.

Other kinds of close encounter may be less rewarding and leave much of human society feeling indifferent towards alien life. The extraterrestrials may be too different from us to communicate with usefully. They might invite humanity to join the "Galactic Club" only for the entry requirements to be too bureaucratic and tedious for humans to bother with. They could even become a nuisance, like the stranded, prawn-like creatures that are kept in a refugee camp in the 2009 South African movie, District 9, the report explains.

...

"Green" aliens might object to the environmental damage humans have caused on Earth and wipe us out to save the planet. "These scenarios give us reason to limit our growth and reduce our impact on global ecosystems. It would be particularly important for us to limit our emissions of greenhouse gases, since atmospheric composition can be observed from other planets," the authors write.

Even if we never make contact with extraterrestrials, the report argues that considering the potential scenarios may help to plot the future path of human civilisation, avoid collapse and achieve long-term survival.

I'm hoping like hell this is satire.

Someone please tell me this is farcical comedy.

Please.

Because if it isn't, then it's serious tragedy.

Crossposted at Wizbang.

UPDATE:  Not satire... but not officially sanctioned or authored by NASA either.  Thank God:

So here’s the deal, folks. Yes, I work at NASA. It’s also true that I work at NASA Headquarters. But I am not a civil servant… just a lowly postdoc. More importantly, this paper has nothing to do with my work there. I wasn’t funded for it, nor did I spend any of my time at work or any resources provided to me by NASA to participate in this effort. There are at least a hundred more important and urgent things to be done on any given work day than speculate on the different scenarios for contact with alien civilizations… However, in my free time (what precious little I have), I didn’t mind working on stuff like this every once in a while. Why? Well, because I’m a geek and stuff like this is fun to think about. Unfortunately, there is not enough time for fun. Indeed, I felt guilty at times because this has led to a lack of effort on my part in my interactions with Seth and Jacob. Beyond adding some comments here or there, I did very little for the paper.

But I do admit to making a horrible mistake. It was an honest one, and a naive one… but it was a mistake nonetheless. I should not have listed my affiliation as “NASA Headquarters.” I did so because that is my current academic affiliation. But when I did so I did not realize the full implications that has. I’m deeply sorry for that, but it was a mistake born our of carelessness and inexperience and nothing more. I will do what I can to rectify this, including distributing this post to the Guardian, Drudge, and NASA Watch. Please help me spread this post to the other places you may see the article inaccurately attributed to NASA.

Comments

[Locutisprime]

Straight from the script of "The Day The Earth Stood Still." (The original, not that wussie remake with Keanu Reeves.)

The main difference between then and now? Back then it was Michael Rene threatening to leave the earth as a "burned out cinder" over our potential indiscretions with nuclear weapons.

Now? It's Cow farts and fossil fuels.

Who knew!

[chuck aka xtnyoda]

Starting to make the "Absent Minded Professor" look like main stream "scientist" reality.

If I were one carrying the label of "scientist" ... I would be screaming to high heaven ... just to protect the term. It is quickly becoming something of a joke because of this AGW mess. "Oh ... you are a scientist ... I'm so sorry!"

[RandomThoughts]

Shawn Domagal-Goldman of Nasa's Planetary Science Division and his colleagues compiled a list of plausible outcomes that could unfold in the aftermath of a close encounter, to help humanity "prepare for actual contact".

It just warms my heart to know that our tax dollars fund this kind of utter nonsense, particularly as we teeter on the edge of economic collapse.

But wait just a minute, naysayers, this could be The Best Thing That Ever Happened! Using the tried and true sci-fi aliens-come-to-earth formula, the aliens will demand to be taken to our leaders. They'll head right for Washington, and with their highly advanced technology take out the entire US government in one fell swoop. No need to wait for the next election cycle and the whims of a lazy voting public; we can start over and build a new, streamlined, functioning government!

Maybe we should get to work on some "Welcome to Earth, this way to DC" signs...

[tim aka The Godless Heathen]

Oh good he only...works at NASA. I feel better now.

[Locutisprime]

Recall the bombers, stand down the missile batteries, takes us back down to DEFCON ONE and get the president on the line.

Oh? He can't be reached huh? I forgot. Well send a message to his vacation home at the Vinyard and tell him that Mars Attacks was just a movie.

And see if we can get Nicholson to autograph a prop ray gun or something for the kids.

[RandomThoughts]

But I am not a civil servant… just a lowly postdoc. More importantly, this paper has nothing to do with my work there. I wasn’t funded for it, nor did I spend any of my time at work or any resources provided to me by NASA to participate in this effort.

Okay, he's not a NASA tax dollar wastrel, he's just an inmate of NASA's post-doctoral loony bin. I ought to feel better...but I don't.