... but didn't:
"Sorry I'm late … Louis Caldera was my cabbie and he thought it would be a good idea to drive me by the Statue of Liberty for a photo-op."
"Incidentally, Caldera was also going to be the person who ordered the Navy SEALS to rescue Captain Phillips from the Somali pirates if that had turned out badly."
"In an effort to ensure that any terror suspects killed under orders of the administration is completely legal in the eyes of the president, 'killed terrorists' will now be referred to as 'really late-term abortions.'"
"The White House says that the president had no prior knowledge of that 747 buzzing of Manhattan. Is it really a good idea to entrust our national security to somebody who can't even install The Club on his own jet?"
"This isn't the first time Barack Obama has denied any knowledge of a New York City buzz – the first being the time he smoked a joint with William Ayers at '21.'"
"And I don't know about you, but I sleep better at night knowing that a White House aide can scramble F-16s without anybody else knowing about it. This way, if a war breaks out while Obama's teleprompter is unplugged, somebody can still order planes to bomb New York to appease an enemy like at the end of Fail-Safe."
"If you're wondering why the president is in a good mood, it's because he's glad to be finished with his annual physical. During his colonoscopy doctors removed two benign polyps and the White House Press Corps."
"Last evening I took a walk through the cemetery – or as ACORN calls it, a 'recruiting trip.'"
"Things are getting weirder and weirder. Barack Obama is now running an auto company, and this morning I read that Lee Iacocca is taking over control of the Black Panthers."
"President Obama said he's going to take care of all Americans just like he takes care of his own family. It's comforting to know that the worst that can happen to us now is ending up homeless in Kenya."
"Michelle Obama is also here tonight. The first lady just taped an episode of 'Sesame Street' but walked off the set after seeing a segment featuring the Count holding photos of Barack's cabinet members and saying, 'Two … two tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah. Three … three tax cheats. Ah Ah Ah …'"
"In closing, I'd like to say thank you to the man who is responsible for all this. I'd like to, but George Soros isn't here tonight. They don't let George and Barack in the same room anymore because the last time they did, Joe Biden got tangled up in the puppet strings."
Now that's funny.
H/T Danny Carlton.