Michael has legally married his common-law wife. Michael appears on talk shows to promote his best-selling book, "How to Legally Kill The Hag When She Becomes a Drag." Of course, movie deals follow. Then the invitations to Heff's mansion begin to arrive, all eagerly accepted by Michael. He visits the mansion, where he meets and falls in "love" with a young blonde named Tanya. A couple weeks later, his new wife mysteriously suffers a "heart attack," along with the routine accompanying affliction of "HABB" (heart attack-induced broken bones). She had previously been erroneously diagnosed with bulimia, and due to advancements in medical science, it is determined upon autopsy that she was truly suffering from "Michaelimia," the primary symptom of which is the uncontrollable urge to vomit immediately upon sight of one's husband.
Judge Greer, who is Michael's new best friend, "blood brother," and golfing buddy, signs the generic, "fill-in-the-blanks" death warrant now on file in his office, and new wife starves to death.
Michael then goes on to marry Playboy mansionette Tanya, some 20 years Michael's junior. Michael accidentally overdoses on Viagra and suffers a heart attack whilst attempting to procreate, thus "breaking" his own heart literally in precisely the same way that he has figuratively broken the hearts of Terri, her family and an increasing number of Americans from various political persuasions. Michael lies in his hospital bed, after being diagnosed with terminal PSW, (penisostoppedoworkingus), and all experts agree that he is no longer of any value to Tanya.
Tanya, having moved on after a heart-wrenching obligatory 48-hour mourning period, meets and falls in love with Brad. She speaks with Judge Greer, who distinctly recalls his good buddy, Michael, once saying that he’d rather be DEAD than to not be able to engage in sexual relations. Judge Greer testifies to same, an all-male panel of younger judges commiserate, and the unanimous decision is made that Michael indeed should be starved to death, based on the new legal standard of hearsay.
His death is much quicker than Terri’s, though, simply because there isn’t anyone on the planet who objects to it. The palpable panic and fear in Michael’s eyes are evident to some people as he witnesses the removal of his own feeding tube, unable to verbally plead for his life, while medical experts all concur that he couldn’t possibly be thinking that, anyway, since he is clearly suffering from MBD (male brain death).
Thus proving that what goes around, comes around, albeit via a windy, sometimes convoluted route, and that one person’s “terminal” disability isn’t necessarily the same as another’s “terminal” disability. The distinction lies in the eye of the beholder.
Via e-mail from Marlene...
Heh...
Brilliant. You have one great site, dude.
That's exactly what's going to happen. I admire your insight.
Posted by: Dan | Friday, March 25, 2005 at 11:29 PM