Brutally Honest

Doubt, fear, insecurity, depression...

... what Steve calls "naming this interior darkness".  And his antidote:

Yet even as I realize those dark, ugly places in my life some part of me is still aware of some small light. It seems dim, but I feel like there is something or someone with me. A presence that is willing to travel into the winter of my soul. How else could I be seeing anything? When I am forced to look deep within I discover the cold and the dark, but I also discover that I am not alone. Somewhere in the mess of me there is Light.

Don't miss this next installment of Steve (and David's) Preparing The Way Advent message.

Trust me, you'll regret it if you do.

Who needs "it"?

Well, what a great surprise! 

David, from Not Perfection, has joined Steve, from Ponder This, over at Steve's Advent site, Prepare the Way.

Dave's contribution titled A Package Deal deals with "it":

It’s never a popular theme. It’s such a “downer.” It’s so “fire-and-brimstone.” In the most joyous time of the year, the time when the shortest days are almost over and the promise of additional minutes of daylight assures us of coming warmth, and life and rebirth; in the happiness of tinsel and garland and wreaths of holly; in the season of so much giving (sometimes heartfelt, sometimes desultory) who needs “it?”

Go read the rest and find out what "it" really is.  And be sure to bookmark the site and stay abreast of Steve and Dave's Advent preparations.  I don't think you'll regret it.

I want to be like Mike's brother

Senior NCO Jordan decides to stay with his team.

Command Sgt. Maj. James R. Jordan asked to stay in the Army for a year beyond his mandatory retirement date so he could complete a deployment to Iraq with the 35th Signal Brigade.

''We are currently at war,'' Jordan said. ''We are doing things, and it requires leaders to do certain things. That's what I am, a leader.''

Like his younger brother, retired basketball star Michael Jordan, James Jordan loves his job, believes in helping his team, expects maximum effort from those around him, and will leave on his own terms.

The sergeant major stands 5-foot-7. His brother is about 6-foot-6. At Fort Bragg, the older brother has kept a low profile and avoided calling attention to his family connection.

Command Sgt. Maj. Jordan and about 500 soldiers of the brigade are scheduled to depart today for a year in Iraq.

Under normal conditions, the 47-year-old Jordan, who entered basic training in June 1975 and had three assignments in Korea, would start winding down his Army career in the spring as he approached the 30-year mark.

His colonel promised to support whatever decision he made, but Jordan had no intention of getting on an airplane April 29, flying home and leaving his brigade.

''That's not the way you want to end a 30-year career,'' Jordan said.

Class act.

Hat tip to Reynolds, who points us in the direction of Power Line for the story.

Homeward Bound

Homeward Bound

(Takes time to load but well worth that time)

In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing and the sky is clear and red.
When the summer’s ceased its gleaming,
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure’s lost its meaning,
I’ll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

If you find it’s me you're missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return.
To your thoughts I’ll soon be list’ning, and in the road I’ll stop and turn.
Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end.
And the path I’ll be retracing when I’m homeward bound again.

Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing,
I’ll be homeward bound again.

-Music and Lyrics by Marta Keen

With thanks to Gerard at American Digest for the link.

Questions

Steve's next Preparing The Way post is up, an Advent reflection he's called Asking Advent Questions:

Advent begins in the dark. Like waiting in a theatre for a movie to begin, the dimness of the room stirs in us anticipation for the coming light. The scriptures that are traditionally assigned in early advent are not light or lite and they call us to live a kind of double-life with our culture as we approach Christmas. All around us things are getting brighter. Houses, lamp-posts and trees are all coming alive with sparkle and glitter. Malls are beginning to play, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas.” But for those of us on the Advent road we are not yet there. We have some distance to travel first and for now, the road is dark. Our first step is to take an honest inventory of that darkness and one way to do that is by asking some ‘Advent questions.’

Recently a well-loved woman in our community was murdered doing her job. She was a good friend and co-worker to many. She was a new mother. In the wake of her death, more than one person has asked, “Where is God in this?” That’s a good advent question.

Last month my wife and celebrated the news that we would be parents again for the fourth time - two weeks later we discovered that we would never get to see the child. Apparently some babies are not meant to live. We are left sitting in the dark clutching broken expectations and wondering, “God? Didn’t you hear our prayers?"

You have some advent questions of your own. They may have to with failure, pain, broken dreams or broken-ness. They may come from an incident, a habit or just the realization that you are long ways from being the person you longed to be. Darkness comes in many forms and leaves plenty of questions scattered in its wake.

Can I make a suggestion as we begin this journey? Take some time today to speak your Advent questions. Stop for a few minutes and complain out loud to God. You do know how to complain right? Complaining to God is a long standing Scriptural practice. Begin advent by getting real with God. Ask Him the questions you wonder but have been afraid to speak. Don’t filter your words. Tell Him what you think of the darkness in your world – inside and out. As best as can let God have it and hear it. “Cry out in the night. Pour out your heart like water in prayer to the Lord.” (Lamentation 2:19) Just like you’ve got a pitcher of water and you’re pouring it out in a glass, you can pour out your heart to God. Tell Him all the emotions and ask Him all the questions that are bottled up inside of you. Ventilate vertically.

This is not an easy step. We’d rather surround ourselves with candles and angels and varnished nativity scenes. It takes a lot of courage to look into the dark. It takes guts to name and articulate the things that lurk in the shadows. And yet, the only place you can meet God is in reality, and sometimes the reality outside and inside is a messy, confusing, dark place. The authentic, hopeful light of Christmas comes not by looking away from the darkness but by looking straight into it. Not by looking away from death but directly into it. Otherwise the light will never be the real thing, it will flash and flicker but never give life.

So go ahead and complain! It just might be the most spiritual thing you can do today.

Yet another timely piece, speaking to me and to what I (and my family) have just been through. It's good to know that questioning God with questions that hint of faithlessness, that are tinged with doubt, that are sprung in moments of despair and hopelessness, might be questions with Scriptural precedence.

And it's imperative that in those dark moments we recall that in Christ there is victory. Isn't that hope defined? I think so.

Bookmark Steve's Advent site and keep checking back. I know I will.

Choices

Available Light, over at Totem To Temple, brings us some timely wisdom from Henri Nouwen:

Keep Choosing God

You are constantly facing choices. The question is whether you choose for God or for your own doubting self. You know what the right choice is, but your emotions, passions, and feelings keep suggesting you chose the self-rejecting way.

*The root choice is to trust at all times that God is with you and will give you what you need.* Your self-rejecting emotions might say, “It isn’t going to work. I’m still suffering the same anguish I did six months ago. I will probably fall back into the old depressive patterns of acting and reacting. I haven’t really changed.” And on and on. It is hard not to listen to these voices. Still, you know that these are not God’s voice. *God says to you, “I love you, I am with you, I want to see you come close to Me and experience the joy and peace of My presence. I want to give you a new heart and a new spirit. I want you to speak with My mouth, see with My eyes, hear with My ears, touch with My hands. All that is Mine is yours. Just trust Me and let me be your God."*

This is the voice to listen to. And that listening requires a real choice, not just once in a while but every moment of each day and night. It is you who decides what you think, say, and do. You can think yourself into a depression, you can talk yourself into low self-esteem, you can act in a self-rejecting way. But you always have a choice to think, speak, and act in the name of God and so move toward the Light, the Truth, and the Life.

As you conclude this period of spiritual renewal, you are faced once again with a choice. You can choose to remember this time as a failed attempt to be completely reborn or you can also *choose to remember it as the precious time when God began new things in you that need to be brought to completion.* Your future depends on how you decide to remember your past. Choose for the truth of what you know. Do not let your still anxious emotions distract you. *As you keep choosing God, your emotions will gradually give up their rebellion and be converted to the truth in you.*

You are facing a real spiritual battle. But do not be afraid. You are not alone. Those who have guided you during this period are not leaving you. Their prayers and support will be with you wherever you go. Keep them close to your heart so that they can guide you as you make your choices.

Remember, you are held safe. You are loved. You are protected. You are in communion with God and with those whom God has sent you. What is of God will last. It belongs to the eternal life. Choose it, and it will be yours.

Makes it sound easy doesn't it?

Prepare the Way - Stirring up some hunger

Steve, at Ponder This..., has invited us on an adventure of sorts.

Advent is ancient. For the past 1500 years or so it has been the season of preparing for Jesus' arrival on earth. It’s a time to identify with the sense of longing for the Messiah’s coming that has been felt by so many generations of God’s people.

Honoring the meaning of advent is difficult for me. Not just because of the frenzied pace of the Christmas season (is there a busier time of year?). Not even because of the blatant commercialism and consumerism. For me, advent is hard because waiting is hard. Advent kicks my ingrained desire for instant gratification in the butt. I’ve always had a hard time waiting to open presents and I have a hard time waiting for the blessing of 'God with us'. I want a lot this year and I want it now! I want Joy to the World not another verse of O Come, O Come Emmanuel!

The result has been that I have short-circuited the meaning of Christmas. Each year I sit down to a huge feast only to find myself already full from snacking. The food still tastes good but it doesn’t satisfy my real hunger - I’m already full of chocolates, candy-canes and too much eggnog. Advent is a purposefully waiting and intentionally fasting so that when the meal arrives I can discover that it satisfies my tastebuds, my stomach and my expectations.

This year I’m on a journey to intentionally delay Christmas in order to experience it more truly and fully when it finally comes. I want to practice a kind of delayed gratification - trusting that it will culminate in a satisfaction that is all the richer for the waiting.

Would you like to come?

This road will require you to make a space in your heart to stay, sit, listen, ponder, linger, wonder and behold. There is a time for rushing and worrying and pushing and striving but that time is not now. For now, we need to choose to live in dissonance with December hoopla and choose to wait and allow anticipation to build. If your heart and mind and schedule are as full as mine, you will need to do some re-adjusting and removal to make room for Jesus. That's where this web-space comes in. Along with a few friends , I will be sharing some "preparation" thoughts. My hope is that together we can stir up some hunger.

I'll be checking things out daily here. I'm going to suggest you do the same.

Thanksgiving day... for real.

This Thanksgiving day will be a special one in the Brutally Honest household.

I have a job.

I am grateful.

I am humbled.

I am thankful.

I am surrounded by family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, and an incredible wife, all of whom have been extremely supportive.

Thanks once more to all of you.

Please continue to pray for those who continue to seek employment, who are, I  now say with the voice of experience, reeling from the jolt that is a sudden job loss. Pray for those who are left at the office and who are now tasked with fulfilling a mission with nearly half the resources.  And yes, pray as well for those involved in the decision and those tasked with carrying it out.

A General Thanksgiving from the Book of Common Prayer

Accept, O Lord, our thanks and praise for all that you have done for us. We thank you for the splendor of the whole creation, for the beauty of this world, for the wonder of life, and for the mystery of love.

We thank you for the blessing of family and friends, and for the loving care which surrounds us on every side.

We thank you for setting us at tasks which demand our best efforts, and for leading us to accomplishments which satisfy and delight us.

We thank you also for those disappointments and failures that lead us to acknowledge our dependence on you alone.

Above all, we thank you for your Son Jesus Christ; for the truth of his Word and the example of his life; for his steadfast obedience, by which he overcame temptation; for his dying, through which he overcame death; and for his rising to life again, in which we are raised to the life of your kingdom.

Grant us the gift of your Spirit, that we may know him and make him known; and through him, at all times and in all places, may give thanks to you in all things, Amen.

Lights at the end of the tunnel

Interviewed today and it went well... better than well really...  2 interviews next week (with potentially more to be scheduled soon).  So the score right now is 1 offer that looks sure to come, 1 offer that may still come, and 2 other opportunities for new offers next week.

I appreciate the e-mails and the posts here, immensely...

And I appreciate, more than they'll know, my family, beginning with my wife (she has no peer), then moving on to my parents (all should have such as these), and my siblings who've shown incredible love and support.

This thing ain't over yet (I'm looking for the fat lady to start singing and soon) but my spirits are uplifted and I expect to sleep better tonight than I have the last number of nights.

I've learned about myself these past few days (and I'm not real happy with what I've learned).  I believe I've been changed.  I believe I must change.

And I cling to this notion that God is indeed good and loving despite strong doubts earlier.  I hate to even see that sentence in print.  I hope He forgives me for it.

Hope to be back posting regularly soon.

-Me

A living Hell

With the full intent of distracting myself from my own personal problems, I've taken the time tonight to take a quick stroll through my blogroll.

Much of the MSM's attention has been focused on the marine in Fallujah, so accurately depicted in Cox & Forkum's editorial cartoon they aptly title 'Watch Your Six'.

Once again, our soldiers find themselves fighting not just the bad guys in Iraq but the self-proclaimed 'good' guys in the media. Click on the cartoon to go directly to some excellent reporting on this truly hellish situation.

Speaking of Hell, check out Mike's discussion on Hell. Although I think their focus at Mike's place is on the spiritual, I know that I can now speak to the living Hell that one goes through when faced with unexpected uncertainty.

But back to that soldier, and all our soldiers, living out the Hell that is war.  My situation pales with the life and death decisions they are facing each day.  And it's good for me to make that comparison.

It's even better to stop by Citizen Smash's place and read the rules of engagement he gave those under his command back during the Gulf war.  Now there's a leader.

Thanks again for your prayerful support.  And do pray for our subject marine and all our men and women serving the cause.